Monday, February 6, 2012

mixed thoughts

I sort of miss last semester. It was hard, but since I was ignoring the outside world in order to get my life as a Johnnie up and running, it was also simpler in some respects.

I want my approach to life--to all these seemingly uncontrollable problems--to be something like this: I seek/cultivate/accept the courage to change the things I can, the patience to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. Except, I have the audacity to understand that there are an awful lot of things I can probably put a dent in, the entitlement to take care of myself like I believe everyone deserves to be taken care of, and a strong suspicion that the way to approach problems I can't change is not patience, but rather, the cultivation of a deep inner calm--a rooted sanctuary where the world can't reach me.

So I suppose the serenity prayer is well named, but there's something frustratingly evangelical which I associate too strongly with it to be able to accept the thing unmutilated.

Perhaps a creative place?

Maybe the problem with serenity is: what I'm looking for isn't a place to hide and be still--it's a base camp, a stable stance for action to arise from.

I shaved my head, and I'm developing a uniform--making several copies of my favorite dress, in beautiful different fabrics and colors. This should make both dealing with the physical objects in my life and presenting myself to the outside world much simpler.

I am happier than I have ever been in my life.

1 comment:

  1. I... have difficulty with the serenity prayer. On some level, I don't identify easily with the passivity expressed by it. Instead, my personality traits tend to be domineering, aggressive, agitated, etc.

    This creates some conflict, because sometimes I tell friends "Ok, we're doing things this way", and... yeah.... There is something naturally agitated about me, even in relative peace.

    I like the idea of a personal uniform.